It's not easy...

I've been thinking a lot about Andre recently. It's been over 7 months since he passed away, and my thoughts keep on returning to him and how I wish I could just talk to him, hug him, or have a drink with him one last time. I just watched Ghost and it reminded me just how much I missed him. I guess it's never easy dealing with the death of a loved one. I can go days or a couple weeks without thinking of him, and then I can't stop thinking about him for a couple weeks. It's exhausting missing someone this much.

Andre, I really miss you and I love you so much! I wish that this was all just a bad dream and that you were here. I'm reminded of you in everything that I do. I'm sorry if I wasn't the best sister I could be, and for those times when I was a horrible person to you. I hope you forgive me and that you are happy now, because you deserve nothing less. But despite how much I hate that you're gone, you taught me so many things that I value. Thank you for that. I love you!

2012 Goals

I've had mixed reactions from people when asking them about their resolutions or goals for the new year. Many, many of them, actually most people I've talked to, say that they don't want to make any because they are all going to be broken by February; March if they are very into their goals. But this is weird to me. The entire reason behind making goals is to find things that you WANT to accomplish, and the point of making them at the beginning of a new year is so that you can start fresh from what you weren't doing in the last year.

Now, I know that we shouldn't wait around for January 1st to begin to accomplish our goals, but it is a representation of a promise that we make to ourselves. Resolutions that you make for 2012 are for you, and you alone. If you don't stick to them the only person who suffers is you. That is why one of my resolutions this year is to keep promises to myself. I've usually been a woman of my word, if I promise somebody something, I will come through for them...that's just how I am. However, I haven't been so honest with myself in this past year. I make goals and promises for myself, and then I will just turn around and stab myself in the back; because that is what it all boils down to. So, these are my resolutions for this year...at least all the ones I've thought of so far, because making and keeping promises to yourself is important; it helps you to trust yourself.

1. Keep promises to myself.
2. Stick to a workout program ALL year long!!!!
3. Maintain a healthy diet.
4. Smoking ONLY on the weekends.
5. Get a good job.
6. Graduate!
7. Move out of Mom and Dads and find a nice 2 bedroom apartment.
8. Stop biting my nails!!!!
9. Be a nicer person, not so mean to those I love.
10. Appreciate all the time that I spend with people I love and not take them for granted.
11. Read 10 good books that are not Stephen King.

Well, that's I could think of for now. It's alright to continuously add new things to your list, after all it is no more than a promise you are making to yourself. And I know that I will do very bad in some areas, especially 1, 8 and 9, but that doesn't mean that I'm going to quit on myself. Because every time I let myself down I'm failing two of my goals, and that's not very good. Besides, in life we only have ourselves who don't let us down or fail us, why should we give that up by breaking our word. Your word to yourself is the most important word that you will ever give. Why break that? HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

Happy Birthday Andre!

I can't believe it's your birthday again Andre, you've been gone for so long. I just want you to know that I love you so much and I miss you terribly. I am so sorry for all the times I was a horrible bitch and didn't appreciate what a wonderful brother you were. You deserve all the best in the world, and if there is a heaven, which I'm not sure of, that I know that you are there because you more than anybody deserves to be there. You were the perfect brother and person, and I hope that you are happy because everything that you did was to make those around you happy. I love you Andre, and I miss you. I wish I could hug you but I know that I can't. Be happy, because you deserve nothing less. Cheers! This drink's to you!

NOVEMBER!!!

Wow! This year has just flew by hasn't it. This has been a difficult year, it had its moments of sadness, but it has also had good moments. I can't believe that there are only two months left in 2011, and then we just have 1 year left to live!!! Ahhh! Jokes!
This month, in less than 3 weeks actually, on November 20, it will be Andre's 27th birthday. If you would like to celebrate his birthday, just get drunk or have a drink, and make sure you toast to him, because he is awesome!!
I cannot wait for school to be over! I just have 3 months left in the semester, and then it will conclude my high school journey....unless I fail a course, then I'm screwed!
So, enjoy what you have left in 2011, and enjoy this snow-less weather, cuz it's supposed to snow in Alberta on Friday....who knows when it will come to us. Laters!

The Glad Game

Although this may seem strange to you, this actually helped me today. I was coming home from visiting my brother and his wife, Chris and Tete, and it was extremely cold outside. Most of the busses came pretty quickly, however, I had to exit a bus to stop at the bank. The YRT busses are very unreliable. After my visit to the bank, I had to wait 45 minutes for the next bus to come. Now, it was a very busy street, a main street actually, and although it was a Saturday, the busses should still come every 20 minutes or so. On top of that, it was awfully cold outside and the wind was very strong, and I had to use the washroom really badly. So, finally after a long wait for the bus, I was able to get to my street. Now, my house is approximately a 20 minute walk from the bus stop, it could be 15 if you are walking very fast, but I needed to use the washroom so much and I was carry a few bags, so I was not able to walk as fast as I would have liked. So, as I began my walk I was very angry. I was mad at the bus driver, mad that I was so cold, and mad that my back was hurting like hell. So, around 3 minutes into my walk, all the while saying mean things outloud to myself, I decided that being angry would not improve anything. So, I decided to play the "Glad Game". I started out saying obvious things, just to have somewhere to aim my anger at. But then, the more I thought about the things that I was glad that I had in my life, the more things that seemed to pop into my head. By the time I reached my house, I had not yet ran out of things to be glad about, I was actually smiling and my mood had definitely improved. So, from this I learnt that thinking about all the things you have in your life will make the small inconveniences a little less important. And we have this girl to thank for that:

Thank you Pollyanna!

Excepts from "God's Greats" by Claire Borowik

We recently attended the funeral of dear Andre, of Jacques and Marie, who suffered an accident and went to be with the Lord at just 29 years of age. Andre had leukemia as a child, and as a result suffered some physical and mental limitations, which I’m sure were daunting crosses for him to bear.
I had met Andre not long ago, when visiting Canada, and had been impressed by his gentle and kind nature. He was so full of life and so interested and absorbed with the people around him. It was as if he’d been granted the ability to view life in a different dimension, and things that troubled and concerned others seemed to have little value to him.
At the funeral, besides the many Family members who came to share this moment of commemorating his life, others who had been touched by Andre’s brief life also came to share their condolences and memories of how he had touched their lives—two fire trucks with firemen from a fire station where he had ballooned; police officers from the local police department, Salvation Army personnel, and people from the farmer’s market had sent their condolences as well. A lady who ran a Salvation Army shelter shared how Andre had touched her life and her conviction that he was an angel placed on this earth to touch the lives of others.
Person after person got up to share memories of Andre, and we all shed tears in hearing how he witnessed to the security guards in the malls where he did his ballooning, and how many of these later commented to his parents or partners about how special he was. Hearing how many lives he had touched, and realizing that these were just a sampling of those people, since most wouldn’t have heard that he passed away or had the opportunity of speaking at his funeral, made a deep impression on me.
I didn’t know Andre well, but somehow I imagine he had little sense of how he touched the lives of others every day and how they were reminded of God’s presence even in the midst of the challenges of life. I’m sure the struggles of life and the limitations he faced must have seemed overwhelming at times. And yet he soldiered on in his own way, and is remembered for those kind and good things he shared with others.

I love you so much Andre! I don't know if you even knew to what extent you touched the lives of others, but you did. I am so proud that I had you as my brother. I miss you!

Belated birthday!!!

This is a belated birthday post for my wonderful nephew who turned 11 years old on September 26, of this year. I love you so much Ryan! I can't believe I haven't seen you in almost 3 years! But I know that you've grown up so much and that you're such a big boy now! Stay awesome and make sure that you help Mommy and Daddy with you little brothers and sisters. I love you so much! Can't wait to see you and see how big you've gotten. I hope you had alot of fun on your birthday and that everyday is full of fun for you! I love you lots!!! xoxoxoxox